AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GUY I ALMOST FELL IN LOVE WITH

Dear Almost Love,

I was so young when I met you. Like the young where I didn’t know who I was and wasn’t sure about where I belonged… young. The young where being in love was such a magical fantasy, but I knew I wanted to experience the magic, at least for a little while. I thought I’d experienced it with you. Or at least felt like I was about to.

Disclaimer. I’m just going to be honest. This is all about me being honest about my feelings. This is my truth. I don’t want to know what you were really thinking during that time or what you were playing at because it doesn’t matter. What matters is me keeping that time in my life intact for memories sake. I know now, that it was all bullshit, but hey… it was a time in my life that taught me a great deal. So in my eyes it wasn’t bullshit, in fact it was the complete opposite. It was meaningful.

I don’t exactly remember when I met you, but I remember how. The millennial way most babes meet jerks and most jerks meet babes; through social media.

You weren’t my type (but who really is these days?), but maybe I was yours? I don’t know the exact beginning of it all because it’s a little hazy now that so much time has passed.

Anyway.

You were really good at it though. Getting me and then keeping me intrigued. You spun me a fairytale through your words, your stories, your lies… Thinking back on it all, it makes me giggle that I didn’t see how full of shit you were then. With you, it was so easy to be myself though. I felt like I could talk to you about anything, hell be anything without getting judged. I now know that it’s those exact feelings you’re supposed to feel when you’re about to fall or already have.

During an age where you’re made to feel unwanted if you don’t fit the mold, you made me feel wanted… needed. I got so used to the feeling that I craved it constantly. I had to have it. My nights became filled with you, and so did my mind. Talking for hoooours about nothing and, yet everything. You were such a good listener. You didn’t try to bulldoze me with your opinion like most people did back then, you would just listen. It was nice. It was easy.

Until it wasn’t.

It got hard and then faded away. You let us fade away…

Or maybe I did, or maybe they did. Could time have done it? Who knows?

I was so young and thought my world was over because you weren’t in it anymore. At least not in the way I thought I wanted you to be. But hey! I guess that’s to be expected from a young girl in her teens. Those teen years and all those raging emotions are such a bitch LOL.

You were confusing too, so that didn’t help matters. You boys and your silly sly tricks and wayward mixed signals.

I’d like to think we were even kind of friends after it all ended and the dust had settled. Associates maybe, or whatever former flames are referring to each other as these days.

But wait. I haven’t even gotten to the why. Why am I writing you this open letter? I’m sure you’re wondering why I now have so much to say.

Because when someone asked me the other day, had I fallen in love before, your face came to mind. I sighed with relief and said almost, but when I closed my eyes, I couldn’t recall you as well as I used to. It made me nervous. Nervous because I want to remember it all for memories sake, remember?

I want to remember why that time taught me so much.

I want to remember the times that were good, because they were simply that. Good.

I want to remember the times that were bad, because they were also simply that. Pretty shitty.

I want to remember what it felt like when I realized how full of shit you really were.

I want to remember how much it hurt to know you never really cared.

I want to remember the ways in which you wrapped me up, so I don’t ever get wrapped up like that again.

With this knowledge, I might just make it to the finish line this time and not have to write another one of these letters to another one of you guys.

To dodging a bullet, or you dodging mine back then,

Thelms xx

Photos by Julia Elizabeth