With Love, Thelms

Disclaimer: if you’re not single, this post isn’t for you, but you’re welcome to dive in at your leisure. However, I will ask that you send this to a single friend you know because this post is for her. For the her that currently or has at some point experienced my exact sentiments. Baby girl, this one’s for you. Enjoy.

Last year, I was so consumed with connection. Pause. Am I the only person loving how good saying last year feels? No, it’s not just a me thing? It feels so good to have a clean slate and refer to past actions as the past because quite literally those actions were in the past, last year and all. In any case back to the original direction of today’s blog post — I’m not too big or too shy to admit that. I was so consumed with connection. Too consumed with finding my person and dating with intention.

Despite my best efforts however — none of the men I dated were particularly special in any capacity besides teaching me so much about:

Men and what meatheads they are.

Myself and why I settled for less than what I want or deserve.

Experiences and why rationalizing bad ones are never a good idea.

Le sigh.

Dating is such a gnarly space. Probably one of the most gnarly spaces I’ve been in because it’s so unpredictable. Most times, no one is ever who they truly seem to be. What you think is happening is usually the complete opposite of what is actually happening. What you believe might be growing could very well be withering and dying right under your nose.

However the intuitive bitch in me always knows. I can feel it, almost always.

& then you have the friends/loved ones who are taken, constantly trying to give you tips and tricks on dating. Either spontaneously or when they inquire about your love life after you mope and complain about not having one OR they take it upon themselves to dig and render aid to their homie in need. Trying to “how to date” you to death, what you should and shouldn’t be okay with… (more on this in next week’s blog post). In any case dating is a space that is without control and in the words of Yung Miami 305 aka Caresha: “Ion like det.”

Now, the last time I chatted specifically about dating I was encouraging taking a break from it. I will have y’all know that I was highly motivated to do so and exactly three days after publishing that post, I met someone. Someone who was an integral part of my journey last year. Albeit disappointing as it turned out to be in the end, that experience and others like it since have contributed to where I am today.

& why this year I’m choosing to live my best single life and for my single girls — why I encourage you, hell implore you to do the same.

Now that we’ve gotten through the grit, let’s touch base with the nit as far as how to live your best single life is concerned.

For starters,

#1 let go of expectation or the hope of a reward associated with dating. Living your best single life is not inclusive of this. I believe the worst part of dating while single is this very aspect. Obsessing over connection or the stars aligning or the magnets clicking… Let it all go. No one’s saying to become a cynic, but you’ve (we’ve) got to stop putting so much pressure on yourself while you’re single. Easier said than done, but do your very best to try and just be. Just live and if you make a connection, cool. If you don’t? Even cooler because you can continue to be free and better yourself. After all, the true pressure comes when you’re tied to someone and you both have made a commitment to be together, exclusively.

#2 be selfish AF. Stop trying to please a man who isn’t your man. Until you guys are exclusive, he’s for the streets sweetheart so treat his ass accordingly. In the same breath, be selfish with your time and do things while single that make you feel good. Spend time with yourself and take in the little things. Do you for you. Take yourself out on dates, buy the shoes, get the dress — whatever contributes to making you feel like the baddest… do that. Whatever it takes to become the baddest most unstoppable version of yourself… yeah do that.

#3 romanticize your singleness. For so long we were raised on the notion that romance is only found with another. That the charm and intimacy associated with romance can only be found in a partnership. Wrong. That’s such a juvenile way to look at romance in my opinion. Romanticism can be found in your every day life. Going to a farmer’s market alone on a beautiful Saturday morning is romantic. Coming home from a long day and treating yourself to a tall glass of wine is romantic. Ironing out time to parlay in the throes of self care is romantic, orgasmic some might even say. Your life is as romantic as you make it, if you take nothing from today’s post… please take that.

#4 travel as much as you can. This has been top tier on my list of things to continue to do in this new year. It’s so important to have your own identity outside of a relationship and traveling while experiencing new cultural environments allows you to do that. It gives you the opportunity to further the refinement process of who you are at your core. Oh! & you don’t have to wait on anyone to experience life, so if you can’t find a travel buddy do your research and travel alone. The best and most pivotal thing I did last year was travel to a whole other country, alone. I’d like to think I’m better because of it. In case you missed my solo trip recap, you’re more than welcome to catch up HERE.

If you’ve made it to the end of today’s very lengthy, but advice worthy blog post —

I think it goes without saying that the biggest disservice you could do to yourself while single is not enjoy it. So I hope today’s blog posts encourages you to do so. Of course we all want the happy ever after (mine being inclusive of falling in love, traveling and doing life with my love, marrying said love, and birthing my love’s children). However, until it does — You deserve to enjoy your singleness and not let societal expectations change that.

To living your best single life until the person of your dreams comes along and changes your relationship status,

Thelms