WHAT’S YOUR RELATIONSHIP ATTACHMENT STYLE?

Hi babes and Happy Monday! In the spirit of sharing more goodies on all things dating/relationships — I’m back with a new blog post! In today’s post, I’m diving deep as I explore the different attachment styles that play a big role in the various relationships we find ourselves in over the course of our lives.

So without further ado, let’s jump straight into the breakdown of different relationship attachment styles.

Secure Attachment Style

Those that fall into this category are usually people who have no issue displaying affection or some level of interest in their partner. Y’all are secure in yourself and that of your relationship without worry about things outside of your control. You all hardly find issue with being alone and can function pretty well on your own. For the secure attachment style, it is vital to point out that you all don’t need to be in a relationship but would like to be in one that is compatible & stable. You babes constantly make a point of clarifying + setting boundaries when it comes to yourself & tend to stick to them without fail.

Pros: very self sufficient, dependable, independent, sure of self and their partner.

Cons: in a relationship your partner may not always feel needed or wanted

Helpful Tip: being self sufficient is never a bad thing, but learning when to relent to meet your partner’s needs is vital. Although your needs likely were met as a child — your partner’s may have not been. It’s okay to provide them the comfort and care they need from time to time.

Insecure / Clingy Attachment Style

If you fall into this category, relationships tend to be quite challenging for you. This is because you likely struggle with self esteem and self image issues. You also may have been lied to or cheated on in the past, and carry that with you in every new relationship. Major trust issues, say whaaaaat. You tend to rush into relationships and seek validation in almost everything you do (from your partner and likely everyone in your life). You’re someone who constantly seeks reassurance and when you don’t feel like it’s being given — you tend to resort to passive communication (or no communication at all). This attachment style is almost always a result of not being comforted and spoken to with words of encouragement as a child. You may have sought comfort in outsiders because you weren’t able to receive it from those who were supposed to be closest to you (mom, dad, etc).

Pro: To be honest, I’m not sure there’s a single “pro” for this attachment style, sorry.

Cons: Lack of self confidence, constantly seeking validation, poor communication skills, etc.

Helpful tip: Trace things back to the source. Open up wounds that never healed properly and find out why they became wounds in the first place. Though painful, it will only in the end result in growth and changed behavior.

Avoidant Attachment Style

If you fall into this category, you are the epitome of a runner. You tend to avoid (or shy away from) deep intimate relationships. So much so, that when things feel too intense you simply bow out — coming up with whatever feels significant enough to get out smoothly & quickly, unscathed. Though at times you might desire a relationship, you ultimately tend to avoid getting into one if it doesn’t feel “convenient.” Though your drive and fiery independence is at an extreme high (which can be great in your everyday life) — it doesn’t bode well in a relationship. Ultimately proving to be more detrimental than beneficial. This attachment style is likely a result of caretakers being distant, cold, and withdrawn. You may have learned very early on that self sufficiency is key and to be coddled is weakness that should never be displayed.

Pro: Smooth talker, great at tackling everyday tasks, more of a leader style than team player

Cons: Avoids intimate connection, struggles to relate to others or showcase any signs of empathy for others, etc.

Helpful tip: Therapy may prove beneficial for you if you fall into this attachment style. It’s likely you never learned how to be open and vulnerable — all of which a professional specializing in that field can help you with.

Fearful Attachment Style

Those that fall under this attachment style, want to be in a relationship. However, they are so fearful of everything that could go wrong. Which leads to anxiety or destruction of the relationship before it could ever begin. You believe that everyone isn’t who they claim to be and things will almost certainly go bad. This attachment style is usually a result of the adults in your life never seeming to make it work. Those adults either struggled to remain with the same person or stayed with the same person who kept doing the same low down shit over and over again.

Pro: there is none, sorry.

Cons: mistrust of all people, too scared to commit to any one thing, etc.

Helpful tip: Seek therapy immediately. This is not to scare you, but your viewpoint can be very destructive to your life as a whole. A professional (as previously stated), can help you get to the root of where the fear stems from. In doing so, they can help you work through that fear and eventually get over it.

Anxious Attachment Style

If you fall into this category, you tend to be on edge in relationships more often than not. You’re usually a sensitive person who gets your feelings hurts very easily. Individuals in this category prioritize intimacy to an extreme degree due to their anxiety always making them feel like just enough is never actually enough.

This is likely result of the people in their life never taking care of them on a consistent basis as a child.

Pros: your partner never has to wonder how you’re feeling or what you need

Cons: always anxious, unsettled, clingy in some ways, never satisfied, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc.

Helpful tip: When feeling anxious try to incorporate relaxing techniques into your daily life. Try not to focus on things that are out of your control. Instead remain focused on the present and what’s in front of you.

Bonus Attachment Style:

Go with flow

Those that fall into this category, are every bit of a “go with the flow” type of person as you can imagine. You all tend to feed off of what you feel and how things are going 99.9% of the time. It can also be said that most people who fall into this category tend to trust their gut more often than not. They peep game and respond accordingly. However, in doing so at times it can be difficult to gauge what their true feelings are at any given point. This attachment style usually is the result of people in their life having a laissez-faire approach to life. Laissez-faire is the type of personality where one doesn’t believe in interfering — rather they let others (or themselves) figure it out on their own.   

Pros: not high stress people, relaxed mindset, easy to get along with

Cons: difficult to gauge emotional standing, not very forward with their feelings or thoughts, passive at times, etc.

Helpful tip: Taking a stand at times about what you believe or how you feel in your relationship isn’t always a bad thing. Work on defining things that are important to you — and share that with your partner. Sometimes always being the one who goes with the flow can seem like you don’t care to your partner.

 

The key in all of this you guys, no matter what category you fall into is to be patient with yourself. We are all a work in progress. None of us are perfect, BUT with time we can get pretty darn close to contentment. All it takes is time to look into self and actively work on the things that hold us back from being our best self. Take it easy on yourself and be patient, you’re coming home to yourself.

 

Now that I’ve summarized attachment styles, where do you think you fall? Let’s chat about it in the comments below. P.S. this is a no judgment zone bbs.

 

Till next time bbs,

Thelms

friendly reminder, new blog posts on With Love, Thelms every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for you babes’ viewing pleasure.