With Love, Thelms

Women learn the most about themselves between the ages of 16 – 25, sometimes before, during, and at times after marriage. At least I’d like to think so. It’s a vital time that shapes the friend you’ll be, the type of mother to kids you’ll rear, and the wife you’ll be to your soulmate. Naturally there are things that are beneficial to learn before entering into a sacred union, such as marriage. Of course, that can’t always be the case and in some instances we have to learn through marriage. However, for those of you babes who haven’t embarked on that next phase of life — this post is for you. Meant to serve as a reminder of all you should be and do for yourself before walking down the aisle with your beloved. So in today’s post I want to shed some light on 8 Things Every Woman Must Learn Before Marriage.

Enjoy.

After chatting with some friends who are married and my mom, I have rounded up a list that we can collectively agree on as things they’ve learned (all of which were so damn vital)— all before the commitment of marriage.

#1 HOW TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT

Though it may be our parents job to take care of us, them doing so forever should not be an expectation. Before marriage, we have all either faced a financial crisis or were about to. In which case we sort of had to figure it out on our own. Something wonderful happened in that moment that we may have not taken note of immediately. We were able to solve the problem and get ourselves out of that financial bind. This showed us that we can do it y’all — be financially independent that is. So if you haven’t learned how to be financially independent, you need to. There will come a time if it hasn’t already come where Mommy/Daddy/whoever will not be able to bail you out. You also don’t want to be in a situation where you are so dependent on your husband, you incapable of providing for self (if ever the need were to arise). So you’re going to need to learn how to figure it out. QUICK.

#2 HOW TO BE ALONE

This is vital to your sanity. If you don’t know how to be alone.. well you’re in trouble homie. It is necessary to learn how to find comfort in yourself by yourself — before seeking the constant comfort of another. Learn to find comfort in silence and take time for you from time to time. Here’s the thing. As you you get closer and closer to knocking on marriage’s door, so much is happening in your life. You are working, going out with friends, dating, and so forth. You’re charged with so much energy from outside sources that learning to be alone looks a lot like charging yourself from within… alone. Knowing how to be alone establishes of security in yourself, that you will never intentionally go into a marriage for the sole purpose of companionship (& companionship alone). In most cases, being alone will always do more for you than being surrounded by people 24/7.

#3 WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Now, this doesn’t only mean where a man is concerned. I just know that’s where your mind went once you read #3. It’s actually directed towards everything in your life. It’s important to set boundaries and always maintain a safe space for you. When someone has crossed the line you have created (and is threatening your safe space) — you have to learn when to call it. Personally, I have found that creating boundaries brings me so much comfort. I learned the necessity of “enough is enough” when I had someone hijack my safe space a few years ago. So believe me when I say this. Learning when enough is enough should be priority in your life before marriage so you’re aware of what you will and will not accept.

#4 WHO DESERVES YOU

Ladies, learn this shit QUICK. Learn who deserves you and all that you are. Don’t waste your time on people who show you  with even just a few actions that they are not deserving of you. A few is one too many love. This is especially important before entering into a marriage for a few reasons:

You do not want to get stuck in a partnership with someone who never has or will have any intention of valuing you and treating you as you deserve. Recognize the signs now and if they don’t deserve you — Leave ‘em in the dust sis. Pleeeeeeeeease. This is also applicable to friends as well. I believe that before marriage, it is important to identify who your tribe is. Those friends that will support you through your marriage by providing words of wisdom and the ultimate desire to be there for you through your journey. SO SIS, if there are those in your life that aren’t footing the bill… leave them in the dust honey. That man? He doesn’t deserve you. Those friends? They don’t deserve your generosity, listening ear, nothing from you. Don’t waste your good years on people who aren’t appreciative of you and all that you are.

#5 THAT HUSTLE HARDER ISN’T JUST A CUTE PHRASE

It’s more than just the catchy lyrics in an Ace Hood song. Yep, it’s more than that. You have to live, eat, and breathe the hustle (as is appropriate and healthy for you of course). You are in or for some of you — approaching the best years of your life with your love by your side. Make the most of your time and begin working on the thing you wish to build individually. Sure marriage and your love can help facilitate success — but getting it before marriage? Something about the hustle producing fruit before marriage. To know that you got it on your own through your hard work and determination. Go after what you want and create the life you’ve always wanted for yourself. Doing so can shape the rest of your life in the best way.

#6 YOU ARE ENOUGH

This is another priority on the things you need to know/recognize before marriage. More than anything so you never need a man to prove your worth to you. You always have been, and you always will be. This is a lesson that is vital because it will shape all your interactions with everyone you encounter in life, especially men. If you don’t start recognizing the beauty that you possess that shines from within and outside… you’re in treacherous waters. Without that recognition all the relationships you have are in trouble of falling apart. & a marriage most importantly? May not make it out of the trenches unscathed. So right now. Yes right now. Go to your mirror and tell yourself,

“I AM ENOUGH.”

Say it again because the neighbor didn’t hear you and neither did the voice in your head who’s voice is always putting you down.

“I AM ENOUGH.”

Now start believing it, and while you’re at it do me a favor. Really believe it because you will be you for the rest of your life and it’s time to start loving the you who’s here to stay.

#7 SELF PRESERVATION ISN’T SELFISH

From a young age, we have always been taught that sharing is caring. That to be good to others will result in good things coming to you. While all of that is true (and has been proven to be true in my life… some of the time). Self preservation never really hurt anyone either, most of the time. A few months ago, I wrote a poetry piece titled, “Choosing Yourself.” In it I make mention of why being selfish at times looks a lot like choosing yourself. Which isn’t a bad thing. In order to be of service to others, you must be of service to yourself. Where marriage is concerned — I think it’s important to be selfish with your love, your time, everything (in moderation of course) before getting into a marriage where valuing the needs of another should be high on your list of priorities.

#8 CHRIST WILL NEVER FORSAKE YOU

To understand this is to understand that God’s love is eternal. Because of that no matter what you may face or feel, it will all turn together for your good. His spirit is in you and will be with you for eternity. Trust in that love that Christ has for you and faith in his good works BEFORE getting married. Doing so, will prove to be all the support and guidance you will need as you soon embark on the most beautiful unions of all… marriage.

 

To wedding bells and a holy matrimony being in your future (if you so desire it),

Thelms